“This is not fair”  
-Russian who got wrong directions to the fair.  

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlor to get a tattoo… 
It wouldn’t wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlor wasn’t there.  

A Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered, but as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail.  
He finally had to give up because it had become a real night mare. 

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“Damn, this is going to get ugly”  
I thought, as my wife removed her makeup!  

My coworker is in the hospital after eating a giant bacon cheeseburger… 
It was MINE!  

Why don’t you ever see Golf clubs that are “Made in China?” 
Because you can’t trust Asian Drivers.

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A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.”

“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.”

“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $9.80.”

“Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

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