Death

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.”

“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.”

“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $9.80.”

“Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

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Cars

I once had a wooden car that had wooden wheels and a wooden engine. It wooden start.

The airline just told my girlfriend she has too much baggage and they’ve only known her a couple of minutes…

My father taught me the importance of having convictions. Two felonies & seven misdemeanors later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning…

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Politically incorrect

  • When my 2 year-old throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
  • I couldn’t find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they’d seen it. Turns out she left me a few days ago!
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  • I heard they are opening a women’s shelter in Japantown called “Tempura House.” It is for lightly battered women.
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